Another memory begins with Father holding me upside down by one ankle. My other leg is left free and flops down; my foot almost bops me in the face. Luckily, I am bare footed after my evening bath. Unfortunately, I have no underwear on either, just my nightgown which falls down over my head, leaving me basically bare. As in the past, I am small enough for Father to hold me with one of his large, strong hands. With the other hand, he tries to ram a carrot down into my bottom. I remember him saying, "You didn't eat your carrots at dinner, so now you're going to get them this way!" The next part of the memory is even more horrifying to me since it is the first time this type of abuse involved my mother. Father yells into another room, "Fran, get the Vaseline!" Mommy brings the jar of Vaseline into my room. Father uses it to lubricate the carrot and thrusts it repeatedly. It hurts! I think my head actually hurts worse...it pounds and throbs from being upside down so long.
Later, (I'm not sure if it was that same evening or another day) I go to Mother and ask, "Mommy, why won't Jesus help me?" I was not specific about what it was I needed help with, but she responded as if she knew. She says, "You have to ask him--pray." "I do", I say, "all the time." "You're not being sincere then," Mommy says. I don't understand that word. "I don't know what sincere is," I admit to Mother. This is how I remember her response: "Then, you're not very bright, are you!? He won't answer your prayers if you're not telling the truth! You like it! You're a bad girl! Jesus doesn't help bad girls. Now, leave me alone!" I shrug away feeling very confused, rejected and dirty. In Sunday School, we sing songs about Jesus loving little children--ALL little children. Doesn't that include me? Does that only include the good children? Is it more important for Jesus to love me or my daddy to love me? I had so many questions, but it was clear Mother did not want to be bothered by any more from me.
WARNING:
This abuse account is VERY graphic! Please use caution when deciding if you want to read it! This page is NOT meant for children or PTSD/Sexual Abuse Survivors who are easily triggered!
ABUSE ACCOUNTS
The Carrot
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