As I did these exercises again (as I always do before posting them here) I realized that I still had unmet needs in this area. I still have a problem feeling good about myself when I'm not doing anything. I still tie a lot of my self-esteem up in what I do. I used to be worse at this and was a total workaholic. I am much better at making time for my family, but I still feel the need to be doing something in order to feel that I am worthwhile.
As John Bradshaw says, "In infancy we needed to be secure enough to just be. Most of our wounded inner kids were taught that it was not okay to just be -- that we could matter and have significance only if we were doing something. This led to the loss of our sense of I AMness. Now we need to learn how to do nothing and just be."
I have heard this referred to as feeling like a human doing instead of a human being. I think this is a widespread problem for a majority of adults as well as many abused and neglected children. If you are an adult, there are several things you can do to enjoy your I AMness, as Bradshaw calls it. If you are still a minor child in the custody of abusive and/or neglectful caretakers, there are a few of these that you can try yourself without the need for money or permission. I have decided to divide these exercises up that way...those that can be done as a minor and those that normally would be reserved for adults who have more freedom and income.
A word of caution: Be careful to choose those exercises or experiences that would be beneficial to you as an individual. If there are ideas here that would act as a trigger to your own abuse-related emotions, they probably won't help in getting your inner child's needs met. Choose what feels good to you.
Exercises for Anyone
Exercises for Adults - with Freedom and Income
1. Take a hot bath - Focus on your bodily feelings.
Just be in your body while you soak.
2. Sit quietly wrapped in a cozy comforter or
favorite blanket. If it feels comforting, snuggle
with a soft stuffed animal.
3. Sit or lie down in a beam of sunlight. If it's
Summer, you can sun bathe outside on a
comfortable beach towel or blanket (be sure to
use proper sun screen). If it's winter, lie down
on the carpet where the sun streams through a
window (my cats do this daily).
4. Take a bubble bath with yummy smelling bath
oils, soaps and/or scrubs.
5. Block out periods of time (at least 30 minutes)
for doing NOTHING...make no plans or
commitments. Turn your cell phone OFF! Just
sit with your thoughts and appreciate who you
are.
6. Take a nap on days when you have plenty of
time, no obligations or commitments.
7. Get plenty of rest before doing anything new.
8. Go on a "trust walk" or do a "trust fall" with a
friend. Have a trusted friend blindfold you and
either lead you around by the hand for an
agreed to period of time or have them catch you
as you fall backwards into their arms.
9. Practice NOT talking with a friend. Agree on
a period of time that you will gaze into each
other's eyes WITHOUT any talking. Just look
at each other. You can laugh, giggle or do
whatever you want to ease any tension, but you
cannot talk. (John Bradshaw suggests doing
this for 9 minutes.)
10. Meditate on NOTHINGNESS. Try to focus on
just being...NOT anything specific. If stray
thoughts enter your mind, gently push them
away. John Bradshaw says, "When we
meditate on nothingness, we are meditating
on being itself...Such meditations aim at
creating a state of mindlessness, sometimes
referred to as creating "the silence." To learn
to be mindless as an adult connects the inner
child with the adult in a most profound way."
1. Treat yourself to regular massages. Request a massage therapist that is the sex you are most comfortable with and feel safe with.
2. Get a manicure and/or pedicure.
3. Get your hair professionally styled.
4. Let a friend feed you -- Not literally, but ask someone to either cook for you or treat you to a meal out at a restaurant.
5. Spend time with your lover just touching and cuddling. Agree ahead of time
that sex is NOT the goal of this encounter. Focus on each other's bodies
with loving caresses, holding and/or rocking. Be sure to ASK for what you
need and desire. Be specific about HOW you want to be touched...whether it
is like a massage, back scratch or more of a tickling touch. Give touch back
to your partner in the way they prefer.
6. Have your lover gently bathe you.
7. Spend 30 minutes to an hour FLOATING on a raft in a swimming pool. Do
NOT swim...just float. (Be sure to use proper sun screen if you are in an
outdoor pool).
8. Hang in a hammock for a long time. Focus on the breeze and the gentle
swaying motion of your body in the hammock. Focus on anything that
involves your bodily sensations while in the hammock. You can focus on the
warm sunshine, the soft breezes, the fresh smell of the air, the birds chirping,
leaves rustling or anything involving your senses. Do NOT let yourself focus
on any obligations, concerns or random thoughts. If any of these enter your
consciousness, gently push them away and re-focus on bodily sensations.
Note: This can be done without a hammock. I did this exercise rocking in a
rocking chair on my front porch and it worked well.
9. Listen to soft lullaby music. (John Bradshaw recommends Steven Halpern's
Lullaby Suite or Lullabies and Sweet Dreams.)
10. When you're at work, have lots of liquids available for frequent sipping. Mix it up! Have hot beverages like coffee, hot chocolate or tea and then switch to
something cold and refreshing like ice water, soda, etc. Notice the way
these different beverages effect your senses. Breath in the hot vapors
through your nose. Close your eyes and enjoy the carbonation bubbles of a
soda tickling your nose.
11. Suck on mints or other hard candy as you begin a new job or project for the
first time. (Sucking is a major part of infancy development.)
12. Change your eating habits. Instead of eating three "square meals" a day, eat
several small, nutritious meals throughout the day instead. Get up a half
hour earlier in the morning and eat a hearty breakfast to start your day. Bring
healthy snacks to work and nibble on them at your desk throughout the day.
Instead of "doing lunch" with the office, take a brisk walk instead. When you
were an infant, you needed to eat several times a day...not just three meals.
This last suggestion about the walk isn't really an infancy need, but it's still a
good idea!
MEDITATION TO TOUCH THE POWER OF BEING
In John Bradshaw's book, "Homecoming" he provides a powerful yet simple form of "mindless meditation." He recommends practicing it regularly and recording it with relaxing music in the background. This meditation is taken directly from his book and I highly recommend it. When you see ellipses (...) pause between directions. If you record the meditation, only record the words that are in bold print. Items that are not bold are for your consideration only.
Start by focusing on your breathing...Just become aware of breathing...Notice what happens in your
body when you breathe in and out...Notice the air as it comes into your nostrils and as it goes out...What
is the difference?...Allow yourself to breathe into your forehead and breathe out any tension you discover
there (my Yoga instructor always told us to focus on the space between the eyebrows)...Then breathe in around
your eyes...And breathe out any tension you find there...Then around your mouth...Then down into your
neck and shoulders...Then down your arms and out through your hands...Breathe into your upper chest
and breathe out any tension...Breathe into your abdomen...Breathe into your buttocks and breathe out
any tension you find there...Breathe into your calves and breathe out any tension you find there...Now let
your whole body relax...Imagine you are hollow on the inside...Imagine that a warm golden sunlight is
passing through you...Let yourself begin to feel either a heaviness or a lightness...You decide what it is
you are feeling...Your eyelids are very heavy...Your arms are very heavy...Your legs and feet are heavy...Or you may feel very light...Like your whole body is floating...Imagine that the horizon of your mind is getting
darker and darker until you are gazing into pure darkness...In the center of that darkness, you begin to
see a pinpoint of light...The light begins to slowly grow larger and larger...Until the whole horizon is
illuminated with light...Now gaze into the light...The pure light...Be aware of the nothingness that you are
experiencing...There is no thing there...Just pure beingness...Now slowly see the number three appear in
the center of your horizon...Be aware of your breathing again...Let your consciousness scan your whole
body beginning at your toes and coming up your legs, hips, stomach, upper chest, arms, hands, neck,
shoulders, face and brain...Be aware of your own I AMness...You are vividly in touch with YOU...With your
own I AMness...Now see the number two...And wiggle your toes...Wiggle your hands...Feel your body
touching your chair and your feet touching the floor...Hear as many sounds as you can hear around
you...Now see the number one and very slowly open your eyes...
John Bradshaw recommends sitting quietly for a few minutes following this meditation. Let yourself just
be after the meditation is complete. Feel what it is like to just BE. Be consciously aware of your unique I
AMness and your precious being. Bradshaw recommends using these exercises during certain times of
your life. In particular:
* You're in the beginning of a new cycle of your development or healing process.
* You have to start something new...like a new job, you've been recently married, etc.
* You have suffered a loss...like losing a job or a death of a loved one.
* You have a new infant at home -- Our children can act as powerful triggers to our own abuse-
related emotions and developmental neglect. It is very important to get our own needs
met...whether they are adult needs or inner child needs, so that we can be effective, loving
parents.
Please check back often as I provide exercises for the other stages of child development. When the stages are underlined and highlighted, those pages are up and running.
