InnerChildDevelopmentalNeedsToddler

While I don't remember much from my infancy, I do have vivid memories starting at about the age of three. Many of these memories were horrific and my subconscious mind has tried desperately to forget them. It was around age three that my identical twin sister and I were first sexually abused by our father. In addition to horrendous abuse, we were also severely neglected by both of our parents. Most of our developmental needs were either met in some fashion through the love we shared as sisters or went unmet entirely.

As John Bradshaw says, "Our inner child had his senses blocked out at an early age. We need to get back in contact with the sensory world around us. Here are some things you can do to re-stimulate your early toddler exploratory needs":

1. Go to a flea market, garage sale or large department store. Use your senses to explore whatever strikes your fancy. Go from item to item to look, touch, smell, hear and generally explore. Go to the toy department and try out the toys designed specifically for toddlers (ages 2-4). Select items that are bright, colorful and make lots of different sounds, play music or are interactive. Leap Frog makes some great toys that will stimulate your toddler needs. If anyone approaches you, tell them you're looking for a gift for a toddler and you wanted to try them out yourself first.

2. Spend some time chewing or gnawing on something that is really crunchy.

3. Spend time in the produce section of your grocery store. Explore fruits and vegetables with your fingers (touch) and your nose (smell).

4. Go somewhere you've never been before. Pay attention to as many details, using as many of your senses as possible.

5. Go to a park and spend time on the playground. Do all the things you haven't done in a long time. Swing on the swings. Slide down the slide. Climb on the jungle gym or climb a tree. If it's winter, find an indoor playground that allows adults. If you feel self-conscious going alone, borrow a younger sibling, niece, nephew, grandchild or friend's child and take them to the park or indoor playground.

6. Make lots of noise with things around the house. Start your own one-man toddler band using the pots and pans as drums. Try cardboard toilet paper, paper towel or gift wrap tubes as megaphones. You might want to try this one when you're home alone!

7. Take a walk through a beautiful park, garden or indoor solarium. Take your time looking at all the different plants. Notice the many shades of green. Smell all of the flowers and notice their different scents.

8. Skip or jump rope.

9. Walk barefoot through your yard or around your house. Notice the different textures and temperatures of things: grass, dirt, concrete, carpet, wood floors, tile and so on.

10. Write out a list of sensation words and then see what comes to your mind as you say each word aloud. Here are some ideas: bumpy, prickly, fluffy, silky, slippery, hard, soft, thin, fat, sweet, sour, salty, bitter, dark, bright, colorful, etc.

11. Go to a pet store and hold as many puppies, kittens or other animals as you can. Try to cuddle animals of different sizes, with different types of fur. Notice that some cats and dogs have fur that is fluffy, smooth or wiry. Unless you're triggered by them, ask to hold a snake, turtle or other reptile. Notice how different their skin, shell or scales feel.

12. Play a mystery sound, smell, touch or taste game with a trusted friend or relative. Close your eyes or wear a blindfold while your friend makes noises or brings you different things to smell, touch or taste. Try to identify the mystery thing without looking at it. If you're playing the mystery taste game, try to assign a sensation word to the taste even if you can't correctly identify the specific source: salty, bitter, sweet, sour, etc.

1. Go to a cafeteria or buffet style restaurant and load up your tray with lots of different foods. Try out foods that are new to you and that you have never tasted before. Smell each food item before you taste it. Where possible and if you feel comfortable, use your hands to feed yourself. Most people won't glare your way if you are eating fried chicken, raw vegetables, ribs, or most fruits with your fingers. Try to stimulate all of your senses with the foods you select.

2. Go to the grocery store and buy foods that you would not normally eat with your hands. Take them home where you can eat them away from the judgmental eyes of others. Eat these foods with your fingers and be as messy as you want! Again, try to stimulate all of your senses while eating.

3. Go to the beach and spend time playing in the sand. Get the sand wet and notice how different it feels on your fingers from when it was dry. Build something out of the wet sand.

4. Get some clay and play with it. Squish it between your fingers. Experiment with different forms, shapes and sizes. If you can, make something out of it. Try not to critique your work. Let your inner toddler shape it into any form he wants. As an alternative, go to a shop that lets you paint pre-made, pre-fired clay objects. Choose an object that your inner toddler likes. Instead of painting a plate or other utilitarian piece, choose one that is childlike. I did this with a fairy figurine and my inner child was thrilled!

5. Get some finger paints or coloring books and crayons and spend an afternoon coloring or painting with your hands. Use as many different colors as you possibly can. Don't worry about being neat or staying inside the lines if you color in a coloring book. Focus on the different colors instead.

6. Dress up in the brightest color clothes you can. Choose clothes that strike your inner toddler's fancy. Don't worry about matching or coordinating as an adult would. If you don't have any "fun" clothes at home, go to a Goodwill store or flea market and purchase some that you would not normally wear and then go home and try them on. Look for clothes that stimulate your senses. Choose clothes and accessories that are brightly colored or have busy patterns. Choose different fabrics that would satisfy exploring toddler fingers. Pick out a soft feather boa or silky scarf. Go home and "play dress up" in front of a full-length mirror. If you feel comfortable with it, go somewhere in public and see what kind of reaction you get.

7. Go to an amusement park and ride all the rides.

8. Go to a museum of art and notice all of the colors in the paintings.

9. Buy yourself something you would have enjoyed as a toddler. Go to a toy store or toy department of a large department store and explore all of the stuffed animals, toys, games and play things designed for toddlers (aged 2-4). Explore everything that strikes your inner toddler's fancy. Go from item to item to look, touch, smell, hear and generally explore. Select items that are bright, colorful, soft to snuggle, make lots of different sounds, play music or are interactive. Leap Frog makes some great toys that will stimulate your toddler needs. If anyone approaches you, tell them you're looking for a gift for a toddler and you wanted to try them out yourself first. Purchase an item that meets your inner toddler's strongest desire. Go home and play with your new toy or take a nap snuggling your new stuffed animal or doll.

According to John Bradshaw, "Perhaps the most important exercise...is to help your inner child reconnect with his desires. The most damaged part of our wounded inner child is his will. The will is desire raised to the level of action. Desire flows from a connection with our needs. As a child in a dysfunctional family, there was no way our inner child could pay attention to his own internal signals, because he was too busy dealing with family distress. Early on, he lost contact with his own needs and desires."

Like John Bradshaw as a child, I lost this connection of what I wanted. I was too busy trying to please my parents, avoid my older brother and protecting my twin sister. I learned to ignore what I wanted and after awhile I forgot what I wanted and eventually stopped wanting altogether. "Your adult must help your inner child recognize his own desires and protect him while he risks attaining what he wants."

According to Bradshaw, "One of the simplest ways to identify your desires is to make a list of your substitute behaviors." Substitute behaviors are those things we do as a means to replace our original, justified needs that went unmet at their normal time of development. I'll give you an example. You've probably heard the term "oral fixation." This is a substitute behavior. If you have a need for oral gratification that went unmet during the normal developmental stage of infancy and toddlerhood, you may use a substitute behavior in an (ineffective) attempt to get that need met as an adult. The most common forms of this are smoking and overeating.

My mother has admitted to me that she felt desperate to "potty train" my sister and me and get us out of our infancy and toddler stage as quickly as possible. Neither of us were breast fed because mother claimed she didn't have enough milk for twins. Neither of us sucked our thumbs or were allowed to use a pacifier and we were weaned from our bottles very early. These are things I know, because my mother and other relatives have told me. It seems clear to me that my natural developmental need for sucking went unmet. I have used the substitute behavior of smoking cigarettes as a means to meet this unmet need in the past (I quit in 1993). I still have difficulty with eating when I'm not hungry.

Here are some common, unhealthy substitute behaviors: