As an abused child, there were so many feelings we were not allowed or did not feel safe in expressing. Now that we have learned to protect our inner child as an adult, those feelings are safe to express now. We can be there to listen to our inner child. As Lucia Capacchione says, "As a counselor to your inner child of the past, you can now offer yourself the comfort and love you were denied in childhood."
Before you begin the following exercise, have paper and some writing utensils available. Sometimes it helps to make your inner child feel comfortable to use some colorful crayons or markers instead of just pens or pencils. Have some tissue or handkerchief and a bath towel nearby. (See the suggestions below in green for items to have ready beforehand.) As with the other inner child exercises, allow about an hour of UNINTERRUPTED time for this one. Turn your cell phone off! Get into a comfortable seated position. Take some deep, relaxing breaths before you begin.
1. Think of a time during childhood when you felt hurt, sad or abandoned and there was no one there to comfort you. What age are you? If you don't get a firm age, what stage of development are you in? Infant, toddler, pre-schooler, school-age or adolescent/little teen? Where did you leave this inner child the last time the adult you spoke to him/her? Try to imagine re-connecting with this inner child.
2. In your mind's eye, imagine the adult you entering the Safe Place of the inner child you first thought of in step 1. Start a dialogue with this inner child. If necessary, re-affirm them until they feel comfortable and trusting of the adult you.
3. Once you feel that your inner child is comfortable, ask them to draw the scene you thought of in step 1. With your non-dominant hand (the one you don't normally write with), draw anything that comes to mind about the time you felt sad, hurt or abandoned and there was no one there or willing to comfort you.
4. With your dominant hand, tell your inner child that you are here for him now. Explain that you are an adult and WANT him to share the feelings he felt at the time of the original hurt and that it is safe to feel them now. If necessary, reassure your inner child that it is safe to feel these feelings and that no harm will come to him for sharing them with you. If necessary, imagine your protective archetype standing guard as a means to reassure your inner child that he is completely safe. Ask your inner child to write down what happened.
5. With your non-dominant hand, write down what happened and how it felt.
6. Ask your inner child what she needs in order to feel better. Here are some ideas:
A Teddy Bear or other soft, stuffed animal -- Your inner child may want to
hug something and rock back and forth with it as they cry.
A snuggly blanket -- As old, burried emotions come to the surface, you
may find yourself shivering and shaking. Make your inner child as
comfortable as possible.
Kleenex or a handkerchief -- For tears.
A rocking chair -- For rocking and crying.
A bath towel -- Wringing and/or lashing out with the towel can help
release anger and rage.
A HUG -- As an adult, it might sound silly, but your inner child will
probably appreciate a tactile hug. Wrap your arms around yourself and
squeeze. It will help your inner child feel better even if the adult you feels
awkward or silly.
A mug of hot chocolate or any other beverage your inner child prefers --
Something warm will help to soothe your inner child.
7. Let yourself FEEL the feelings that come. Let your inner child weep, wail and sob. Allow your inner child to verbalize any feelings of frustration, abandonment, grief or justified rage they were unable to release at the time of the original hurt. Let any words or sounds come out that help to release the pent up emotions. Be aware that these sounds might feel strange to the adult you. The original hurt may have happened before you were able to speak with words. Allow your inner child to grunt, groan, moan, wail, cry, whimper or use any other form of audible release necessary.
8. Comfort your inner child using any of the ideas they previously told you would help them feel better. Do as many of these things necessary until you feel lighter or until your inner child tells you they feel better.
9. Ask your inner child to draw you a picture of themselves feeling safe comforted and loved.
10. Using your non-dominant hand, draw this picture.
11. Ask your inner child if there is anything else she wants to tell you.
12. Using your non-dominant hand, write down anything else your inner child wants the adult you to know right now.
13. Thank your inner child and congratulate them for being strong and brave. Let them know how much the adult you appreciates their honesty and help in identifying and releasing these old emotions. Reassure them that they can talk to you any time and you will listen, comfort them and love them no matter what. In your minds eye, imagine the adult you leading your inner child by the hand back to their favorite mental safe place. Leave your inner child doing something fun or comforting in their safe place. Promise that you will be back at any moment they need you. If you feel it is necessary or would make your inner child feel more safe or comforted, leave your protective archetype standing guard.
Hope Forus is a survivor of childhood physical, sexual, emotional and ritualistic abuse. She is currently writing a book on the subject that will include other self-help ideas like this. You can contact her at:
Hope Forus is not a medical or mental health professional. She is a survivor of childhood sexual, physical, emotional and ritualistic abuse. This article is provided for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice. You should not use the information in this article for diagnosing or treating a medical or mental health condition. If you have or suspect you have a medical problem, promptly contact your professional healthcare provider. If at any time you feel the urge to hurt yourself or someone else as a result of emotions or reactions to any descriptions related herein, promptly contact your mental health provider, your local suicide prevention hotline or 911.
From time to time, come back to this exercise, focusing on a different experience or emotion each time. From my experience, women will find it easiest to cry first, connecting to an experience in which they felt abandoned or afraid. Men usually find it easiest to connect with feelings of anger or rage first and find it more difficult to release feelings of fear or sadness.
If you are having difficulty remembering a certain experience, try focusing on feelings that are coming up in your life at the present time. If a recent experience acted as a trigger to your past emotions, take the time to do this exercise. Instead of trying to think of a time in which you felt hurt, angry, sad or frightened, ask your inner child how she felt during the recent experience that acted as a trigger to your past abuse. Ask your inner child what this recent experience reminded her of. Chances are, your inner child will be able to recall the past experience even if the adult you has blocked it from your conscious memory.
Or, if you want to try this exercise, but have not been triggered lately, here is a list of feelings you may want to explore (one at a time) with your inner child. Try asking your inner child: "Do you remember a time when you felt ______________? Tell me what happened when you felt ______________." Fill in the blanks with one of these emotions:
Hurt (physically or emotionally)
Notice that there are different levels of emotions for various events. For example, my inner child recalled feeling slightly sad that my fifth grade teacher was sick at the beginning of the school year, but later that year I was absolutely grief stricken to learn that my sweet teacher was gravely ill and would not return for the rest of the school year. Try to get in touch with the true feelings that may have been buried long ago. Minimizing your true emotions, does not help you heal these past hurts. Come back to this exercise as many times as it takes.
