Inner Child Work
Meeting Your Inner Child
Don't be surprised if your inner child(ren) are reluctant to come out and meet the adult you at first. They may be afraid of the grownup world. Even though our inner child may be timid and frightened at first, they are still desperately wanting to be heard.
I think Lucia Capacchione, Ph.D., author of Recovery of Your Inner Child put it best when she said: "The adult world is not a safe place for children. For survival's sake, the growing youngster sends its delightful child spirit underground and locks it away. But that Inner Child never grows up and never goes away. It remains buried alive, waiting to be set free."
In addition to the fear our inner child may feel at coming out of hiding, they may also feel that they cannot trust the adult us for several reasons. As adult survivors of childhood abuse, we are drawn to what we know. Unless we have gotten therapy to heal our past hurts and realize how worthy of love we are, we may have chosen partners who have continued to abuse us. This understandably, might make our inner child reluctant to trust our adult choices.
Another reason our inner child may not trust us at first is because we have ignored her for so many years. Lucia Capacchione also says: "The Inner Child is constantly trying to get our attention, but many of us have forgotten how to listen." We must re-learn how to listen to our instincts and acknowledge our true feelings as a way of listening to our inner child and re-build trust.
Coaxing Your Inner Child Out
The best way I know of to coax your inner child out into the open is to journal using your non-dominant hand. Your non-dominant hand is the hand that you do not normally write with. If you are right-handed like me, you will want to journal using your left hand. This will feel awkward to the adult you, but letting go of your requirements for neatness, correct spelling and grammar is exactly what your inner child needs. It may also help to use a writing implement that a young child would be more accustomed to using, like a fat colorful crayon. It may also help to use unlined paper. If you decide to use lined paper, do not make any attempt to stay inside the lines or write neatly. The important thing is to make your inner child comfortable to say what she wants to say...NOT that it looks neat.
Today, I find that when I write with my untrained, non-dominant hand, I regress to a young age rather quickly. If you have trouble getting your non-dominant hand moving at first, try drawing a picture instead. Let yourself draw or write the VERY FIRST THING that comes to mind. Don't let your adult self try to analyze or critique anything that flows from your non-dominant hand.
The first time I tried this exercise, I had a very difficult time coaxing any of my inner children out enough to write or draw anything. They had been buried, ignored and terrified for so long, it took some time, patience and effort on my adult's part to coax any of them out into the light.
One thing that worked for me, might be something you can try if you at first have difficulty. I remembered that I had a blue stuffed bunny that helped to comfort me as a small child. I went out and found a very soft, snuggly blue stuffed rabbit and bought it for my inner child as kind of a peace offering. Before attempting the exercise again, I just clutched, hugged and rocked my new bunny for awhile until I could feel my inner child start to relax.
After I felt a bit lighter following the bunny snuggling, I decided to have a back and forth dialogue between the adult me and my inner child. To do this, start out writing with your dominant hand (my right hand). Let the child or children inside of you know how much you love them. Write in words how sorry you are and that you didn't deserve to be hurt. The adult you might say something like this:
Sweetie? (You might not have a name for your inner child(ren) yet and they might not prefer your given name.) I just want you to know that I love you. I'm so sorry that Mommy and Daddy (your abusers) hurt us. (Be sure to say "us" instead of "you" here. It's important to let your inner child know that you are united...your inner child is part of YOU.) They had no right to hurt us! We have every right to be mad at them and to feel sad. I just want you to know that I'm a grownup woman now. We have moved far away from Mommy and Daddy and they cannot hurt us any more. I won't let them! You can trust me. I promise to protect you. I want you to be with me so much! You are such a sweet girl. Will you please come out and talk to me?
After you write a dialogue similar to this, just place the pen, pencil or crayon in your other hand (non-dominant) and wait. You may get an answer and you may not. The answer you get might be "NO!". If this happens, ask your inner child if they'd like to draw a picture instead.
If you're successful in getting your inner child to answer or draw something, be sure to praise them by writing in your dominant hand again. Slowly get to know your inner child or children.
Get to Know Your Inner Child(ren)
Showing an interest in getting to know your wounded inner child(ren) will go a long way in gaining their trust. Start by asking simple questions that even the youngest child would understand like:
What's your name sweetie?
Write the answer with your non-dominant hand.
How old are you ___________?
Call your inner child by the name they gave you even if it is not your given name or you (as an adult) do not particularly like that name. It's important that your inner child know you respect them for who they are NOT what the adult in you wants them to be. They had enough of that during the original trauma!
Write the answer in your non-dominant hand.
What do you like to do?
Write the answer in your non-dominant hand.
Close your eyes and picture in your mind what your inner child might be doing.
Where are you?
Write the answer in your non-dominant hand.
With your non-dominant hand, draw a picture of your inner child doing what she likes to do in the place she feels most comfortable and happy. Relax and let the drawing flow out of you. Do NOT critique the drawing as being immature or devoid of talent or skill.
Praise and thank your inner child for sharing that with you in your dominant hand.
How do you feel right now?
Write the answer in your non-dominant hand.
Whatever the answer is, reassure your inner child, using your dominant hand, that you understand how she feels and it's okay to feel that way. Tell her you're proud of her for telling. It may be a "secret" that your inner child has been afraid to tell for decades! Reassure your inner child that no harm will come to them for telling the truth about their feelings. Encourage them to cry if they want to. Tell them that it's okay to feel afraid, sad or angry. Let them know that you are there for them and love them just the way they are.
You are now ready for the next step:
Note:
Please be aware that you and your inner child might feel quite drained at this point. Don't try to do too much in one sitting. Praise your inner child for coming out and talking to you. Acknowledge the courage it took to do that and that you realize they might be tired now. Tell them you promise to come back and talk more later after they've had some rest. You might want to imagine in your mind's eye that the adult you is tucking your little inner child into a cozy bed, sleeping bag, hammock or any other place where they feel safe and comfortable. Let them know you'll be back soon to talk some more. Tell them you love them again.
Do all this in your mind or writing using your dominant hand.
Make sure your inner child is comfortable and safe before you leave them or you may have trouble getting them to talk to you the next time you attempt this exercise or the next one. Most likely you will have more than one inner child at varying ages. You may have an inner baby, toddler, elementary-aged child and little teenager locked away inside. You may want to do this exercise several times in order to "meet" all of your inner children. But again, be careful not to over tire yourself.
© 2006 Hope Forus All Rights Reserved
Hope Forus is a survivor of childhood physical, sexual, emotional and ritualistic abuse. She is currently writing a book on the subject that will include other self-help ideas like this. You can contact her at:
hope4us61@msn.com To be kept informed as to the publication of her book, please sign the guest book.
Hope Forus is not a medical or mental health professional. She is a survivor of childhood sexual, physical, emotional and ritualistic abuse. This article is provided for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice. You should not use the information in this article for diagnosing or treating a medical or mental health condition. If you have or suspect you have a medical problem, promptly contact your professional healthcare provider. If at any time you feel the urge to hurt yourself or someone else as a result of emotions or reactions to any descriptions related herein, promptly contact your mental health provider, your local suicide prevention hotline or 911.
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