Hiding from the Monster
After my mother told me what a "bad girl" I was for "liking" what my father does to me when he "loves" me, I decide myself that I want Jesus to love me so that I can go to heaven. I can't be bad any more, so I've got to be better at hiding or getting away from Daddy when he comes looking for me. The next time, I hide under my mattress instead of the bed. I feel so clever thinking of this. I'm so small, if I lay very still between the mattress and the box spring, Daddy won't notice me. My satin bed spread covers the crack between my mattress and box spring, so he won't be able to see me. I believe he'll look under the bed as usual and when he doesn't find me there, he'll leave and look somewhere else in the house. I hear Daddy's footsteps coming in to the bedroom. I hold my breath for what seems like forever. I don't move a muscle. I strain to hear what he's doing, but I don't hear anything.
Suddenly, Father flops on top of the mattress! He knows I'm there. His big body is crushing me! It's hard to breathe! I had already been holding my breath so that he wouldn't hear me and now his crushing weight makes it hard for me to take a breath! He obviously knows I'm under the mattress, so I have nothing to lose in breathing or struggling to get out, but I can't! He's too heavy! I feel like I am going to suffocate again--just like when my face is in the plastic shower curtain. I am afraid I will die. My father doesn't say a word, but I hear him snicker. I feel stupid for hiding here! Daddy still doesn't say anything, but I hear him making some kind of scratching noises. The vision in my mind of what my father must look like as he enjoys crushing me changes from a man to an even scarier monster with long claws. He's clawing at my mattress, trying to get to me so he can kill me and eat me! I hear him breathing hard, making growling and groaning noises as he continues to scratch. As this continues the way I “see” Father in my mind changes again. I must be dying! I am a bad girl! All I sense is pure evil! I feel like it is the devil on top of me and he has come to take me to hell! After that, I must have blacked out or totally blocked what followed.
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