Inner Child Work
Finding the Nurturing Parent
Within You
John Bradshaw says, "With you as his nurturing and protecting parent, your wounded inner child can begin the process of healing." Bradshaw calls this "championing your inner child." Championing your inner child "...allows your child to do the corrective work that will restore you to your true self."
Bradshaw also says that, "For you to champion your wounded inner child, he must trust you enough to disobey the parental rules by which he was raised...Such rules and beliefs are powerful: if the child disobeys them, he risks punishment and abandonment...as your adult gives your wounded inner child permission to disobey your parents' beliefs and rules, your inner child must believe that you have enough power to go against your parents...You need to let your inner child know as much as possible about your power and strength." One of the ways in which John Bradshaw suggests you do this is by making a list of ten things you now own or are capable of doing as an adult, that you could not own or do as a child.
Hope's Ten Things:
1. Have my own house
2. Decorate my house any way I want
3. Have my own car
4. Drive my car
5. Have a dog
6. Play music whenever I want
7. Have my own money
8. Have more money than when we were kids
9. Buy all the candy and ice cream I want
10. Do whatever I want without asking permission
Notice, that even though I have two beautiful children and as an adult, I cherish them more than anything else in the world, I did not include them on my list of ten things. While having kids is something I could not do as a child, I chose not to confuse my inner child by bringing them up. During inner child work, it's important that the adult you focus COMPLETELY on your inner child. Discussing your adult-life children may bring up feelings of jealousy that can interfere with the trust you are trying to build with your inner child.
After making your list of ten things you could not do or own as a child, sit in a quiet place where you won't be interrupted. Close your eyes and visualize your inner child. Don't worry about what age she appears. Whatever inner child first appears...go with that. When you see her, hear her or feel her presence, tell her about the things on your list. She will be very impressed! Emphasize to your inner child that you are able to achieve these things because you are a successful, powerful adult.
Now that you have found the nurturing parent within you and have begun to convince your inner child of the protective power you possess, it is time to build trust and re-parent your wounded inner child.
This page does not teach you how to nurture your inner child. What I hope it does accomplish is help you to find the nurturing parent within your adult self. The information and exercises here should also help you to convince your inner child that the grownup you is a capable, protective, powerful adult who is best able to parent them.
As Lucia Capacchione, author of Recovery of Your Inner Child, puts it: "We nurture and protect the Child Within by calling forth a part of us called the Inner Parent. This Parent Within learns how to do its job from our own parents or caregivers in childhood." If you were abused and/or neglected by your own caregivers as a child, you may not know what a healthy parent-child relationship is like.
The nurturing parent is a universal archetype -- an original model on which similar things are patterned. The nurturing parent archetype appears throughout history in every culture. The White Buffalo Woman is the Native American archetype. In Christian culture, Mary the mother of Jesus is the most popular representation of the nurturing parent. Mother Nature or the Earth Mother is another popular symbol.
The nurturing parent embodies universal qualities like "empathy, understanding, compassion and caring." Dr. Capacchione believes that we all have these qualities naturally within us. She maintains that we can find them and use them to re-parent our inner children.
Many adult survivors have found that, while they may lack the ability, knowledge or desire to parent their inner child, they find themselves consistently focusing all of their nurturing abilities toward others. While doing this to the point of neglecting our own needs can create
co-dependent relationships, it can give you clues to the nurturing characteristics your inner child may be longing for and the protective and nurturing abilities you already posses. These abilities might just need to be re-directed. Whenever you find yourself taking care of the needs of others, your inner child might be screaming internally, "Take care of ME!"
If you are a parent, you might find this doubly challenging. When I became a mother, I was determined to raise my children with the unconditional love, acceptance, protection and nurturing I did not receive as a child. Even though I did not have good role models of proper parenting, I believed in my heart that EVERY child deserved to be loved, accepted and cared for. I figured that if I did the exact opposite things that my parents did, that would be a good start. There are many resources available today that can teach us how to meet the needs of children during the different stages of child development.
I have worked hard to be an effective, nurturing, protective parent to my children. Sometimes, my inner children have resented this. But, one positive thing that has come from this real-life parenting is that I have learned that I am capable of re-parenting my inner children as well. Unlike a co-dependent partner who tries to get their inner child's needs met through another adult, my children legitimately had the right to my nurturing parenting abilities. Since children are naturally empathetic toward other children, I was able to get my inner children to understand that my birth children deserved this love, attention and protection. I then verbally affirmed my inner children's right to this same love, attention and protection. "Opening your heart to the needs of your own Inner Child is the true beginning of re-parenting." (Capacchione)
If you believe you may be co-dependent, I would highly recommend you check out Co-Dependents Anonymous and look into their 12-step program. Once you stop rescuing others around you who depend on your co-dependent nature, you will find it much easier to focus on the needs of your inner child.
© 2006 Hope Forus. All rights reserved.
Click here to return to the Inner Child main page.
Click here to return to the Healing main page.
