© 2006 Hope Forus All Rights Reserved

Hope Forus is a survivor of childhood physical, sexual, emotional and ritualistic abuse.  She is currently writing a book on the subject that will include other self-help ideas like this.  You can contact her at:

hope4us61@msn.com

Hope Forus is not a medical or mental health professional.  She is a survivor of childhood sexual, physical, emotional and ritualistic abuse.  This article is provided for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice.  You should not use the information in this article for diagnosing or treating a medical or mental health condition.  If you have or suspect you have a medical problem, promptly contact your professional healthcare provider.  If at any time you feel the urge to hurt yourself or someone else as a result of emotions or reactions to any descriptions related herein, promptly contact your mental health provider, your local suicide prevention hotline or 911.

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Healing Shame

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The most effective resource I know of for healing shame is John Bradshaw's book, "Healing the Shame that Binds You."  His book was on the New York Times Best-seller list for weeks, so this is obviously, a common problem

for a lot of people, not just

those who have survived childhood abuse or other

forms of domestic

violence.  I highly

recommend that

you purchase this

book for yourselves

as it contains

valuable

information.

John Bradshaw says that "because of its preverbal origins, shame is difficult to define.  It is a healthy human power which can become a true sickness of the soul.  There are two forms of shame:

    -  Healthy/Nourishing Shame

    -  Toxic/Life-Destroying Shame

As toxic shame, it is an excruciatingly internal experience of unexpected exposure.  It is a deep cut felt primarily from the inside.  It divides us from ourselves and from others.  In toxic shame, we disown ourselves.  And this disowning demands a cover-up.  Toxic shame parades in many garbs and get-ups.  It loves darkness and secretiveness.  It is the dark secret aspect of shame which has evaded our study.

Because toxic shame stays in hiding and covers itself up, we have to track it down by learning to recognize its many faces and its many distracting behavioral cover-ups."

John Bradshaw goes on to explain that healthy "nourishing" shame makes us human.  Healthy shame is honest.  Healthy shame is a way of realizing our limitations. 

According to psychologist and psychoanalyst Erik Erikson (1902-1994), "a sense of shame is part of the second stage of psychosocial development.  In the first stage a child needs to establish a sense of basic trust.  This basic trust must be greater than his sense of mistrust.  We can understand healthy shame best by understanding this trust stage of psychosocial development...Once basic trust has been established, the child is in a position to develop shame.  The shame may be healthy or toxic."  Erikson said that between the ages of 15 months and three years, "the psychosocial task for this stage of development is to strike a balance between autonomy and shame and doubt." 

John Bradshaw explains at length the different processes for developing both healthy shame and toxic shame in his book.  Here is a brief run down of both (please read his book for more detailed information):

Healthy Shame

Toxic Shame

-  Shame as Embarrassment and Blushing

   Mistakes are a part of human nature.

   With blushing, we know we've made a mistake.

-  Shame as Shyness

   Shyness is a natural boundary that keeps us from

   being harmed by a stranger.

-  Shame as the Basic Need for Community

   As humans, we have a basic need for community.

   Our shame in this case acts as a healthy reminder

   that sometimes we need help and that we have a

   need to be involved in loving, caring relationships.

-  Shame as the Source of Creativity and Leaning

   One of the biggest road blocks to creativity is a

   feeling of being right.  When we think we are

   absolutely right, we stop seeking further

   information.  Being certain stops curiosity.  Curiosity

   is at the heart of all learning.  Our healthy shame

   never allows us to think we know it all.

-  Shame as the Source of Spirituality

   Some would say that spirituality is our ultimate

   human need.  Healthy shame is essential for

   grounding ourselves to this ultimate source of

   reality.  Healthy shame reminds us that we are

   not God.  It grounds us in humility.

-  Neurotic Syndromes of Shame

  Toxic shame is an all pervasive sense that I am flawed.  It is a belief 

  that we are worthless and defective as a human being.  It is more than

  just a fleeting feeling of unworthiness, it is an internal sense of falling

  short.  If we experience toxic shame, it is difficult to recognize.  As

  Bradshaw says, "A shame based person will guard against exposing  

  his inner self to others, but more significantly, he will guard against

  exposing himself to himself."

-  Internalization of Shame

  Internalization of shame involves at least 3 processes:

1) Identification with Shame-Based Models

The need to identify with someone, to belong is one of our most

basic human needs.  Second only to self-preservation. This begins

with our primary caregivers and significant others.  When children

have shame-based caregivers and significant others, they identify

with them.  This is the first step in internalizing shame. 

2) Abandonment:  The Legacy of Broken Mutuality

Children find love, acceptance and identity in the mirroring eyes of

their parents or primary caregivers.  Abandonment can include this

lack or loss of positive mirroring, not just physical abandonment. 

Besides physical desertion and lack of mirroring, abandonment

includes any of the following:

-  Neglect

-  Abuse of any kind

-  Enmeshment into the needs of the parents

3) Interconnection of Memory Imprints

Shaming experiences are recorded in a child's memory banks.  As

Bradshaw explains, "Because the victim has no time or support to

grieve the pain of the broken mutuality, his emotions are

repressed and the grief is unresolved."  Any future experience which

even vaguely resembles the original shame-based trauma can easily

TRIGGER the words, sights, sounds, smells or other

senses involved in the original trauma.

-  Self-Alienation and Isolation

   Alienation means that you experience parts of yourself that are alien

   to you.  For example, I was shamed for crying during my childhood

   abuse.  Therefore, feeling grief and crying became an alienated part

   of myself.  When ever I feel grief now, I often experience toxic shame.

   This is why it is so important to lean how to heal the toxic shame

   that binds us to our past trauma in order to adequately process

   these unresolved emotions.

-  Shame as the False Self

   "Because the exposure of self to self lies at the heart of neurotic 

   shame, escape from the self is necessary."  This is accomplished by

   creating a false self.

-  Shame as Co-Dependency

   As discussed on the Nurturing Parent page, people who are co-

   dependent try to get their inner child's needs met through another

   adult and/or they focus all of their nurturing abilities on other adults

   (usually a significant other) who are trying to get these needs met

   through others.  People who are co-dependent have no inner life. 

   They lack the ability to get their needs met from within themselves.

   Therefore, happiness and feelings of self-validation are found outside

   themselves.

-  Shame as Borderline Personality

   Many psychiatrists today see many types of mental illness as

   rooted in neurotic shame.  Borderline Personality involves self-image

   disturbance, difficulty identifying and expressing one's own thoughts

   and difficulty with self-assertion.

-  Shame as the Core and Fuel of all Addiction

   Toxic shame turns a person into a "human doing" rather than a human

   being.  A person's self-worth is measured by what they DO on the

   outside instead of what is on the inside.  Addiction is a self-fulfilling

   shame based behavior.  One seeks mood alteration and emotion

   numbing with the addictive behavior.  What follows is shame over one's

   behavior and the resulting consequences; i.e. hangover, infidelity, etc.

   This toxic shame fuels the addiction and starts the process all over

   again.

-  Shame as Guilt

   Healthy guilt is at the core of our conscience.  It helps us determine

   right from wrong.  Toxic guilt carries a sense of hopelessness, since

   one believes they are flawed beyond repair.

-  Character Disorder Syndromes of Shame

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The narcissist is continually motivated to find perfection in everything

she does.  Beneath this external facade lies an emptiness.  This

emptiness is caused by internalized shame.

Paranoid Personality

Bradshaw believes that "the paranoid defense is a posture developed

to cope with excessive shame." Any wrongdoings on the part of the

paranoid person are disowned and transferred to others as kind of a

self-fulfilling prophecy of the betrayal they knew was coming.

Offender/Criminal Behavior

The criminal offender "acts out" in much the same way as he was

originally victimized.  This is often referred to as the CYCLE of

abuse.  Unless we find help and healing for this victimization we are

bound to carry on in the victim role, seeking out others who we

instinctively know will abuse us or we will reenact it over and over

again.  Parents who physically or sexually abuse their children were

typically abused similarly when they were young.

Grandiosity/Disabled Will

Grandiosity is a disorder of the will.  It can appear in one of two

extremes:  in being more than human or less than human.  A person

with a disabled will can believe they are the best of the best or the

worst of the worst.  Bradshaw explains it this way:  "As emotions

get bound by shame, their energy is frozen, which blocks the full

interaction between the mind and the will."  Without the thinking

mind, the will is blind and can cause severe problems, such as

trying to control everything or willing in absolute extremes (all or

nothing).

-  Toxic Shame as Spiritual Bankruptcy

   Spirituality is about BEING.  Spirituality makes us human.  Toxic

   shame is de-humanizing.  Toxic shame creates a life dominated by

   DOING.  Since it is based on a belief that what's inside is flawed,

   it looks outward for self-worth and justification.

To learn more, please click here or above on the Hiding Places of Toxic Shame.

Sources of Toxic Shame

    -  The Family System

Dysfunctional Families

Toxic shame is an interpersonal problem.  It originates primarily in significant relationships.  Our most

significant relationships are those with our original families.

Shame-Based Families and Multi-Generational Illness

Toxic shame is most often multi-generational.  Family secrets can go back many generations and

can be carried forward generation after generation.  Since these secrets are kept hidden, they

never get worked out.

Shame-Based Marriage and Parental Models

These dysfunctional families are created when shame-based people find and marry each other.

Most often, these shame-based couples consist of co-dependent adults looking to the other

to parent the wounded child within them.

Dysfunctional Family Rules

1.  Control - Control is the major defense mechanism for shame.

2.  Perfectionism - Family members live according to an external image of perfection, which is

    impossible to achieve and therefore, no one ever measures up.

3.  Blame - Blame is another defense cover up for shame.  When control breaks down, blame

    takes over.  Blame can be placed on oneself or others.

4.  Denial of the Five Freedoms

    These five freedoms represent a basic human power:

-  The Power to Perceive;

-  The Power to Think and interpret;

-  The Power to Feel;

-  The Power to Desire; to want and choose;

-  The Power to Imagine

This rule denies the true self of each family member.  It demands that you not perceive,

think, feel, desire or imagine the way you truly do, but the way the dysfunctional family rules

require you to...often a perfectionist ideal.

5.  The No-Talk Rule - This rule denies the expression of the true self.  It prohibits the full

    expression of any feeling, need or want. 

6.  Don't Make Mistakes Rule - Mistakes reveal our flawed human self.  Ackowledging mistakes

    opens the family up to scrutiny.  This rule requires that you cover up your own mistakes and if

    someone else makes a mistake, you are required to shame them.

7.  Unreliability - "Don't trust anyone and you'll never be disappointed."  Parents in the

    dysfunctional family did not get their developmental needs met as children and they won't be

    there for their own children's needs.  The cycle of distrust is perpetuated.

    -  Abandonment

Physical Desertion - This is the most commonly understood meaning of the word.  This can mean an

outright physical separation resulting from a decision not to be involved in your child's life, i.e. giving

a child up for adoption or letting someone else raise your child.  This can also include an undesired

absense, which can occur from incarceration, illness, death or service away from home in the military. 

Emotional Abandonment - Children need mirroring from their primary caretakers to develop in a

healthy way.  Healthy mirroring means that someone is there for the child and reflects an accurate

image of who they really are.  Shame-based parents are co-dependent adult children who are still in

search of someone who is always there for them.  The objects of their narcissistic gratification will often

be their own children.  In this way, the child takes care of her parent's needs instead of the parents

taking care of the child's needs. 

Abandonment Through Abuse - Abuse equals abandonment because when a child is abused,

there is no one there for them.  Young children, because of their natural egocentricity, take

responsibility for their abuse.  It is easier for a young child to believe they are to blame for the

abuse than to blame the parent(s) whom they rely on for survival.

1.  Sexual Abuse - John Bradshaw believes that sexual abuse is the most shaming of all abuse.

-  Physical Sexual Abuse - Hands on touching in a sexual way.

-  Overt Sexual Abuse - Voyeurism or Exhibitionism - The criteria for whether or not it

  constitutes abuse is whether or not the parent (or other adult) is sexually stimulated.  This

  has nothing to do with the child's naturally developing curiosity and sexual thoughts.  This

  is when a parent or other adult uses a child for his or her own sexual stimulation.

-  Covert Sexual Abuse

a)  Verbal - Inappropriate sexual talk initiated by an adult. 

b)  Boundary Violation - This involves children witnessing their parents or other adult

     caretakers involved in sexual behavior.  It is the adult's responsibility to set appropriate

     sexual boundaries.  Parents need to close and lock bedroom doors so that children

     don't accidentally walk in and children need appropriate privacy as well.  If parents or

     other adults do not respect a child's privacy while they are undressing or using the

     bathroom, this constitutes a boundary violation.

-  Emotional Sexual Abuse - When a parent or other adult relative or caretaker bonds in an

   inappropriate way with a child, it can constitute emotional sexual abuse.  When a parent

   uses a child to meet their emotional needs, it can easily become romanticized or

   sexualized.  A daughter can become "Daddy's Little Princess" or a son can become

   "Mommy's Little Man."  Children need parental guidance.  They should not be treated

   as emotional equals like a spouse.

2.  Physical Abuse - Bradshaw believes that physical abuse is second only to sexual abuse in the

    amount and severity of toxic shame it produces.  Physical violence can take many forms, such

    as:  physical spankings and beatings; being forced to get your own weapon of punishment

    (belts, wooden spoons, hair brushes, hangers, switches, etc.); punching; slapping; pulling;

    pushing; choking; kicking; pinching; biting; shaking; tickling to a torturous degree; being tied up;

    scratching; attempted drowning; burning with lit cigarettes, lighters, ovens, matches, etc.; being

    sat on; having things thrown at you; having liquids wiped, poured or splattered on you; being

    forced to breath toxic chemicals; having things forced inside your mouth/throat, like soap,

    alcohol or other toxic liquids; having things forced inside your vagina or rectum, like carrots,

    candles, knives, etc.; being threatened with violence or abandonment; being threatened to be

    taken away by police or "men in white coats"; witnessing violence done to a parent or sibling.

3.  Emotional Abuse - John Bradshaw believes that emotional abuse is universal.  He does not

    believe that a single person has been spared the shame of emotional abuse. 

Anger - When anger is shamed, two things happen:

1.  Anger is shame bound - Every time you get angry, you feel shame.

2.  When anger is shamed, it gets repressed.  As anger energy is repressed,

     it builds and grows unconsciously and turns into rage.

Sorrow - When sorrow and sadness are shamed, it's energy builds into inconsolable

  grief and can lead to suicidal feelings and attempts.  In our culture, children are

  either outwardly punished for crying as in "I'll give you something to cry about!" or

  verbally ridiculed or bribed to stop crying.   

Fear - Often children are shamed for being afraid in the same manner as they are shamed

    for feeling sad.  A denied and shamed feeling of fear can split off and grow into full-

    fledged terror, phobia or paranoia. 

Joy - Even the positive emotion of happiness and the expression of joy can be shamed.  My

  mother was famous for ridiculing my sister and me when we became excited or

  rambunctious.  Things that brought us joy were openly ridiculed as being "silly" or

  "stupid."  When visiting relatives or friends, Mother was only satisfied when her children

  were unseen (often being banished to another room or outside) or at least unheard.  We

  were often required to sit silently with our hands in our laps for hours at a time.  When we

  occupied our time with a quiet activity like drawing or coloring, Mother often ridiculed

  our creations as being "ugly" or "hideous."  I was often told that I was "too loud" and

  once even overheard a teacher friend of my mother's ask if there was "something

  wrong" with me because I spoke "too loud" and had a "deep voice."

    -  Social Shame

The School System - "The school system promotes a shame-based measure of grading people's

intelligence," says Bradshaw.

Peer Group Shaming - Peer groups can be an excrutiating source of toxic shame.  Appearance is

probably the most obvious cause for toxic shaming by your peers in school.  If you don't wear the

popular clothes, hairstyle, etc. you can easily become the class scapegoat.  Teenagers will commonly

project their own shame onto a class "reject."  "The peer group becomes like a new parent.  Only this

parent is much more rigid and has several sets of eyes to look you over."

The Religious System - Many religious systems teach the concept of "original sin," in which you're

believed to be "bad" from the moment you are born.

1.  God as Punitive - Shame can be intensified by the belief that God knows all of your inner

    most thoughts and will punish you for your sins.

2.  Denial of Secondary Causality - Some religious doctrine sees the human will as totally inept.

    Without God, man is capable of nothing that has value.  This goes against traditional Judeo/

    Christian doctrine in which man can only accept God/Christ through faith and that his will

    determines his decision to accept the gift of faith.  It is a conscious decision...without will there

    is no faith and without faith there is no salvation. 

3.  Denial of Emotions - In general, most religions don't allow much expression of emotion.

4.  Perfectionism - Religion is responsible for a great deal of shaming through perfectionism. 

    Most religions teach a kind of moral and behavioral righteousness.  These standards dictate

    how to dress, talk, pray and behave in almost every situation.  Deviation from these standards is

    judged as sinful.  This perpetuates an "appearance" of righteous living.  It is more important to

    act loving and righteous than to be loving and righteous.  My mother was an expert at acting in

    loving and righteous ways to the outside world, but behaving much differently at home.

5.  Religious Addiction - Mood alteration is a component in addictive/compulsive behavior. 

    Religious addiction is rooted in toxic shame.  It can be exhiliratingly addictive for the members

    of any religious sect to be told they are "good" and that everyone who doesn't believe in the

    same things are "bad" and sinful.  Healthy shame says that we will inevitably make mistakes

    (the Bible says "ALL have sinned"), so righteousness becomes a kind of shameless behavior.

The Cultural System

1.  The Success Myth - In this belief system, money and its symbols of success are a measure of

     our self-worth.

2.  Rigid Sex Roles - Rigid sex roles are still alive and well in our society.  If you don't believe it,

    take a look at any group of children playing in a day care center.  Childrens' toys are still very

    sexist.  Parents will shame their little boys for wanting to play with dolls.

3.  Perfection Myth (The Perfect "10") - Our culture is inundated with a perfectionistic view of

    physical attractiveness.  While this is slowly changing, most women and girls compare

    themselves to ultra thin models with enhanced bustlines and most men and boys' looks are

    compared to male "sex symbols" and professional athletes.  Comparing ourselves to this

    mythical, perfect "10" standard is a great source of sexual shame in our society.

4.  Denial of Emotions - Our society does not encourage emotional honesty.  When asked, "How

    are you?"  Most people instinctively respond with, "I'm fine."  We repond this way even when it is

    the farthest thing from the truth.  The sad thing is, even when we have the courage to answer

    with our true feelings, it more often than not becomes obvious to us that the asking party does

    not really want to hear about it!

5.  "Good Ol' Boy" and "Nice Gal" Myth - This is a kind of social conformity myth.  "Don't make

    waves."  "Take one for the team."  "Don't rock the boat."  These all imply that we are expected

    to do things we might not want to do and keep quiet about it!  This pretending and acting are

    forms of lying and a form of denying our true self.  We are rewarded by society for being

    something other than what we are.  It teaches us to hide our toxic shame.

Definitions & Sources

Hiding Places of Toxic Shame

Solutions Part 1

Please click here to learn more about ways we hide our toxic shame.

Solutions Part 2