Come Out of Hiding
The first step in healing our toxic shame is to bring it out of hiding. As long as we continue to hide it, there's nothing we can do about it. As the old therapy/12-step program adage goes, "The only way out is though." Of course, this cannot be done without some pain and its pain that we were trying to avoid in the first place...the pain of being exposed. Again, please don't be discouraged! I am living proof that this CAN and SHOULD be done. The temporary pain you may experience by exposing your toxic shame is short-lived compared to the possible life-time of agony we can experience because of our shame cover-ups. I can also attest to the fact that the more we avoid uncovering our toxic shame, the worse it gets. Eventually, we all hit rock bottom. (To learn more about this personal experience of mine, please click here.) We can only continue so far using our shame covering addictions and re-victimization before something tragic happens...we might get AIDS, we might overdose, we might land in prison or the ultimate tragedy, we might commit suicide.
PLEASE don't wait to hit rock bottom before finding the courage to face your fears and bring your own toxic shame out of hiding! Postponing it might literally be a matter of life and death and I urge you to view it in this light. Consider Step 1 your immediate, most urgent priority. You've already survived...You can do this! You deserve it!
John Bradshaw shares some externalization methods for uncovering our toxic shame:
A. Come out of hiding through social contact - Share your feelings with someone you trust. Confide in a spouse, sibling, close friend, other significant other or trusted therapist about your pain and the ways you feel you are hiding your toxic shame.
CAUTION: Do not confide in any of your abusers, past or present! This would be counter-productive. Only confide in someone you trust implicitly to accept you no matter what. Someone who loves you unconditionally or someone who does not necessarily love you, but whom accepts you and will not judge you (like a therapist) is essential.
B. Re-establish an "interpersonal bridge" by seeing yourself mirrored in the eyes of someone who unconditionally loves you, who is not part of your family of origin. This could include a close friend, spouse or lover.
C. Get involved in a 12-Step Program.
D. Write or talk about your original trauma. Talking can be a helpful release, but you must be careful to confide in someone you trust implicitly (see suggestion A). I think writing is a more powerful form of "debriefing." Legitimize your own pain and suffering by writing about past shame-inducing experiences. Make a list on paper of times when you were shamed. You can do this chronologically or just as episodes of shaming come to mind. Be sure to include anyone who tried to shame you. This could include your parents, siblings, other relatives, babysitters, nannies, teachers, coaches, school administrators, school mates, friends, neighbors, clergy or other religious leaders, employers, co-workers, etc. I found it helpful to write in the form of three columns: the name of the person who shamed you; a brief description of the shaming experience, what was said and any physical punishment you may have received; and how you felt about it. This third column may be the most difficult to get in touch with, but it can be very liberating to do so. Try to remember how you felt during the shaming and immediately afterward, even if (as is most common) you were not allowed or further shamed for expressing the feelings at the time.
E. Get in contact with your wounded, lost inner child. For suggestions on how to do this, please click here. Do some journal work with your inner child and let them tell you (using your non-dominant hand) who shamed them, what happened and how they felt about it. Re-assure your inner child that it is safe to feel these justified feelings now.
F. Learn to recognize split off parts of yourself. Are their parts of your personality you have been ignoring and rejecting? I have done this with my drawing. I was severely shamed by my mother for a drawing I created about the crucifixion and I have shut this part of my creativity away for years. This is something I still need to work on.
If you believe that you may have splintered, individual personalities (DID), please seek the help of a trained, experienced therapist for help in embracing and integrating these parts of your self.
G. Show yourself some love! This can be especially difficult to do if we have internalized the belief that we are unworthy of love. You may need to force yourself to do something nice for yourself, but it is very fulfilling. Make a list of all your positive attributes. If you can't think of any. Ask a close, unconditionally loving friend to help you think of your positive qualities. Explain to them that you're working on a therapy exercise and they should be more than willing to help.
If you don't feel comfortable spoiling yourself or making a list of your lovable qualities, try being assertive and using your personal power to make a positive change. I'll give you an example: I work with a person who does not respect other co-workers time or personal space. He constantly hovers in front of my desk talking loudly on his cell phone or plops down in an office chair and starts to spew out all of his daily complaints and woes! This person is a real downer! If I let him, he can bring me down and piss me off quicker than anyone I know (except my abusers). One day, I decided to get assertive and show myself some love by protecting myself from this man's negative, obstructive behavior. First, I politely asked him to leave the area of my desk as I had a project that I needed to complete by a certain deadline. I told him politely, but matter-of-factly that I could not be interrupted.
Don't give up if at first this assertive action does not work! The rude person in my office left me alone the rest of that day, but he was back the next spewing more of his negativity in my direction. I knew I had to do something more permanent and obvious that I was not willing to listen. The next day, I brought in a portable CD player and some of my favorite CD's. Now, I sit at my desk with my headphones on, enjoying lovely music instead of hearing his verbal mumblings. If he dares to interrupt me and motion for me to remove my headphones, I politely ask if what he wants to talk about has to do with business. If it doesn't, I simply replace my headphones and ignore him. This simple assertive action helps me to love myself by showing myself and others that I am above petty gossip and other negativity. If there is an area in your life in which you could benefit from some assertive action...Do it!
H. Replace negative self-talk with positive affirmations. Next time you catch your inner voice berating yourself for minor mistakes, make a note of it. If you are in a reasonable place (not in your car driving) to do it, write down the negative things you repeat in your mind. Chances are, these are things that were said or implied during your abuse as a child. Some of my negative self-talk includes: "you're stupid, you're bad, you're dirty, you're worthless, shut up, stop crying." These were all said to me by one or both of my parents as a child. When finding positive affirmations to replace this negative self-talk, I try to think of the opposite. "You're stupid" is replaced with, "I am an intelligent, creative, intuitive person." "You're worthless" is replaced with, "I am a child of God and God doesn't make junk. God thought I was worth dying for!" Here again, it might be helpful to divide your paper into columns. One with the existing negative self-talk and the other with possible replacements for positive affirmations. After making your lists, say the positive things OUT LOUD until you believe them in your heart. Repeat them as many times as it takes for them to feel believable and natural and in order for you to remember them. Then, the next time the negative self-talk starts to play it's broken record, stop it short by replacing it with these positive affirmations. If you're alone, say them out loud. If you're in the company of others, say them silently in your mind. Repetition and sincerity are the key.
I. Become aware of your triggers that might cause what Bradshaw refers to as "shame spirals." If we let ourselves be triggered by past, buried emotions associated with our abuse and perpetuate the toxic shame, our feelings of hopelessness can spiral out of control, leading to depression and possible feelings of suicide. To learn how to identify your own, unique triggers, find healthy alternatives and lessen their impact, please click here.
J. Use prayer and/or meditation to create an inner safe, calm, loving place of peace. For a meditation exercise idea you can use, please click here.
All of these techniques take some work on your part...but the work has fantastic rewards. Don't give up! Master them with practice, practice, practice. Like anything else of value, externalizing your toxic shame takes work, but the rewards are worth it. Reinforce the techniques that feel right and have a positive effect for you by repeating them again and again.
Once you've made some progress in bringing your toxic shame out into the light, you will feel lighter and have more energy making you better able to move on to step two, Transforming Toxic Shame into Healthy Shame.
Transform Toxic Shame to Healthy Shame
John Bradshaw says that he owes his life to the participation of a 12-step program. In his book, Healing the Shame that Binds You, Bradshaw admits that it is impossible for him to be unbiased about the ability a 12-Step program (used in programs like Alcoholics Anonymous) has to heal toxic shame. Since I was blessed in the fact that I never became dependent on anything to the point of addiction, I do not have direct experience with any specific 12-step program. However, I do have a tremendous amount of experience in individual and group therapy and have tried many of the 12-step therapy techniques. In this step, I will relate to you John Bradshaw's ideas for transforming toxic shame to healthy shame based on my personal experience with it. What I relay here, may differ slightly from John Bradshaw's book (for his specific, verbatim techniques, I highly recommend you purchase his book at Amazon.com or check it out of your local library.)
A. Admitting We Need Help - In AA the first step is to admit you're an alcoholic. Along with this admission that we have a problem is to recognize that we may be powerless to overcome it alone and that our lives have become unmanageable. During this first essential step toward transforming toxic shame to healthy shame we need to do the same.
1) Name it - Say it outloud, admit it to someone else or write it down. Here are some
examples of what you might be admitting:
"I am addicted to nicotine."
"I dissociate to numb and escape my true feelings."
"I bang my head to punish myself."
"I have an eating disorder."
"I am addicted to gambling."
"I hoard to feel like I have control over something."
"I am in an abusive relationship and I am allowing myself to be victimized."
"I am allowing my triggers to cause panic attacks."
"I have continued the cycle of abuse and have become an abuser myself."
*Items in red are those I have had to admit at one point or another during my
personal recovery process.
2) Admit that alone we are powerless - This does NOT mean we have no personal
power! We must believe that we are capable of getting help and improving our
lives or we won't be able to do it! This is admitting that ALONE we have not been
successful in healing our toxic shame and breaking free of our cover-ups, like our
addictions. It can be tremendously freeing to realize and admit that we don't have
to tackle this alone. And...we don't. It may feel like giving up, but it's not. It takes
an enormous amount of strength to admit you need help. And...help is available.
Help is available from others who love and support us. Help is available from
capable, trained professionals and bringing us to the second of the twelve steps,
help is available from our higher power.
3) Admit and become aware of how unmanageable your life has become - Many times
it is this unmanageability that makes us aware of our need for help. If you are
unable to hold down a job to support yourself and your family, if you need a
cigarette or a drink every time you feel stress or if you turn to sex, porn, alcohol
drugs or food to distract yourself from intense pain you are feeling on a daily
basis...your life has become unmanageable on your own and you need some help.
B. Reach out to something greater than yourself - The second step toward transforming toxic shame to healthy shame is to actively reach out for help. It's not enough to admit you need help if you never actively pursue it! For me, this included not only reaching out to my higher power (who I call God), but also reaching out to trained professionals who knew about ways to help me that I was previously unaware of. This might include joining a 12-step program for addiction, a support group, an individual therapist or if you are in immediate crisis and danger of hurting yourself or others, admitting yourself to a trauma treatment center, rehab or the psych ward of a hospital.
