C. Give Yourself Permission to be Human
According to John Bradshaw "Healthy Shame IS the permission to be human." As human beings we are NOT perfect, we are NOT infinite and we are NOT omniscient (all knowing) or omnipotent (all powerful). As human beings, we are going to make mistakes and we are going to need help. It is part of our very nature. We are NOT God. Healthy shame lets us know this and seek the help we need.
If you really want to break free from toxic shame, its essential give up the notion of being in complete control. This does not mean that we have NO control, but it does mean surrendering our will to a higher power. As the saying goes, "Let go and let God." This is easier said than done, of course. For those who do not believe in a higher power, this step will be almost impossible. I do not want to impose my faith on anyone else. However, if you have an interest in my beliefs about faith (which I credit whole heartedly to my own recovery), please visit my other Web site and at least read this page: http://www.apocalypsesurvivor.com/GodsLove.html
If you have any questions about my faith or God in general, I would be happy to try and answer them as best I can. Please feel free to e-mail me:
According to John Bradshaw (and I would agree),
"faith" in a "greater power can restore us
to sanity."
"The shamelessness (healthy shame--emphasis mine)
and grandiose control madness and God playing are
given up." (Its just as damaging to be shameless as it is to be shameful.)
I believe that this "grandiose control madness" John Bradshaw speaks of is responsible for most abuse in the first place. It definitely encourages the cycle of abuse to continue. When a person is abused, they lose their personal power (either for a moment or possibly many years). This loss of personal power by force (not willingly surrendering to a higher power) can make one desperate to get it back. Instead of doing the work to heal (and yes, it is a lot of work) and getting personal power back the healthy way, some abuse victims choose to abuse others in an attempt to reclaim that power. This only serves to perpetuate the cycle of abuse.
PLEASE MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION TO ADMIT YOUR HUMANNESS, DEDICATE YOUR EFFORTS TOWARD THE WORK REQUIRED TO HEAL AND RECLAIM YOUR PERSONAL POWER IN A HEALTHY WAY! DO NOT TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT AND TRY TO GET YOUR PERSONAL POWER BACK BY HURTING OTHERS!
D. Make a moral inventory of yourself.
This can be difficult to do, but also very rewarding and healing. John Bradshaw admits in his book that he did not create a moral inventory of himself until he had been involved in a 12-step program for two years. The reason I mention this is to emphasize the fact that everyone's recovery process will be (and should be) unique. There are no cookie cutter recipes for the perfect recovery/healing process. Try not to shame yourself if you are not able to complete all of these steps at first, all at once or ever. This does NOT mean that you are not making progress. The most important thing is to keep trying...something. If you work on any of the suggestions from this Web site, you deserve a lot of credit and should feel proud of your accomplishments! This stuff is hard work! But, like anything else of value (and you are valuable!) it takes some effort to achieve. Please try what feels right for you as a unique individual.
If you experience difficulty attempting the moral inventory, move on to something else or go back and work with a therapy suggestion you had success with in the past. Do whatever it takes to keep moving forward, slowly but surely.
You may want to build your list using the unmanageable problems you named in step 2-A-1. Most of what you will believe to constitute wrong-doing will have stemmed from these problems and addictions. The importance of making a list of your wrong-doings is NOT to create more toxic shame or guilt! I cannot stress this enough! If you do not believe you can create your own personal moral inventory without shaming yourself, please come back to this step later.
The point of creating the moral inventory list is to find solutions. As you take responsibility for your choices, you will experience healthy shame. This type of shame helps you find solutions, make better choices, find remedies for problems you have created and (probably most importantly) FORGIVE YOURSELF.
E. 1) Admit to yourself that you have made some mistakes. You can do this without writing out a detailed moral inventory, but it won't be quite as liberating or healing. Forgive yourself. This is easier said than done again, but it is necessary to free yourself from the toxic shame. Realize that problems, addictions and coping mechanisms you have used to (unsuccessfully) relieve the shame of your abuse has led you to some negative choices and that these choices may have hurt yourself and others in the process.
2) Admit to God (your higher power) that you have made mistakes. Most cultures consider this a type of confession of sins. This can be done in private, either aloud or silently in your mind. Ask God for forgiveness.
3) Admit to someone else (another human being) that you have made some mistakes. If you are in a 12-step program, this person could be your sponsor. This person could be your therapist or other type of counselor. If you are religious, this person could be your pastor or priest. I want to stress here that this is NOT a confession of sins that you are looking to another human being to take away! I truly believe that only God is capable of removing, forgiving and forgetting sin. Another human being will NOT be capable of doing that for you. HOWEVER, telling some other human being about your wrong doings can be extremely liberating. Be sure to choose someone who will not judge you or betray your trust. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU CONFIDE IN YOUR ABUSER(S)! If you are still living with your abuser(s), chose a trusted school counselor, your therapist, psychiatrist, youth pastor or an extremely trust worthy friend instead.
F. Tell your higher power (God) that you are completely and entirely ready for this burden to be taken off your shoulders. You believe that your higher power is capable of removing these "defects of character" and you are ready for it to happen. This involves faith (something I will be discussing in more detail later) to work. If you are not really ready for change (which can be scary) and/or you do not truly BELIEVE your misgivings can be forgiven, IT WON'T HAPPEN.
G. Humbly ask God to remove these shortcomings. In addition to asking for forgiveness, specifically ask God to help you STOP doing the things you are ashamed of and help you overcome the addiction or other coping mechanism you use to push your pain away.
For example, if you crashed your dad's car when you were drunk, ask God to forgive you for violating your father's trust. Then ask God to remove this wrong doing from your life. Ask God to help you break your alcohol addiction, ask God to help you say "no" the next time your buddies invite you to go partying, ask God to help you find healthy ways to release the pain of your abuse and re-build trust with your father. (This is assuming your father is NOT your abuser.)
This step helps restore our healthy shame by admitting we've made mistakes (like ALL humans) and need help to overcome them. It also shows that we BELIEVE we can be helped. We can learn from our mistakes, change and grow.
H. Make a list of persons you have harmed and be willing to make amends to them. Pick a quiet time when you won't be interrupted and make a list of people whom you believe or know were hurt by any actions you have taken as a result of the unhealthy choices you made due to your addictions or other problems arising from unhealthy coping mechanisms.
For example, I hurt my husband and children when I was a workaholic, using immersion in my job to avoid working with my painful feelings of my past abuse. I hurt them through my absence and neglect.
I. Make amends. Apologize and make retribution to the people you hurt wherever possible...Except when to do so would injure them, ourselves or others. Making amends to those we've hurt (whether intentionally or not) can be very liberating and freeing for us as well as them. However, there might be times when this is not possible or even a good idea. For example, I hurt an ex-boyfriend of mine when I betrayed his trust. I met this ex-boyfriend at a party I attended with my first husband. This ex-boyfriend confided in me that he was gay. I was confused because our relationship had included sex. It was during my sexaholic stage that I had the relationship with this wonderful person. He admitted that he was trying to deny his homosexual urges when we were together, but that he was not able to continue to be something he was not. For whatever reason, he wanted me to know and I did not react appropriately. I was not unkind, but I denied and rejected his feelings and that was wrong. I basically told him that I thought he was wrong and walked away. I then betrayed his trust by telling my husband about what he had said. My fragile ego and coping mechanism which led me to equate my self-worth with sex did not allow me to accept than any male I had ever been with sexually was gay. I have not seen this dear person since and not being able to make amends has caused me a lot of shame and guilt. Unfortunately, this person has a very common name and I have not been successful in locating him to apologize.
Another example would be to apologize to your abuser for something you said or did. In this case, it would not be productive to try and make amends. Especially, if your abuser has not made an effort to change. In this case, making amends is not only impossible, but detrimental to your own safety and healing.
These steps help us restore and maintain healthy relationships. For example, after apologizing to my husband and kids for using my workaholic coping mechanism to avoid working on my abuse recovery, I quit the job that I had become so immersed in and got another job to start fresh. I found a job that allowed flexible working hours. I now work from 6:30 a.m. until 2:30 a.m. This allows me to avoid travel/traffic time spent in the car, it allows me to be home when my daughter gets off the bus from school and it allows me time to prepare a nice meal for dinner. This has helped me make amends for neglecting my family and has helped me break the workaholic addiction. I spend more quality time with my family, but I still give 100% while at work. I put in 100% to my job during the eight hours a day/40 hours a week I am there and I forget about it when I'm home, so that I can give my family the attention they deserve.
J. Continually take moral inventory and promptly admit when you are wrong. This is an ongoing process because we are human and continually make some mistakes. Sometimes this is difficult to do, but gets easier with practice. The next time you are in the wrong, try this. Instead of getting defensive, finding excuses for your unacceptable behavior or blaming it on someone else...try admitting your mistake immediately to the one you've wronged. This is not the same as beating yourself up for every little mistake or foible. That is not healthy. What is healthy is admitting you've made a mistake, apologizing and moving on.
K. Seek through prayer and/or meditation to consciously improve your relationship with God (your higher power). Pray for knowledge of God's will for your life and for the strength to carry it out. This is also an ongoing thing. We need to consistently remind ourselves that we are human and aren't in control of everything. If we consciously strive to carry out God's will rather than our own, we "come full circle," as Bradshaw puts it, "starting from the broken and abandoning source relationships that set us up to internalize our shame and ending up with a friendship with God..."
L. 1) Spiritual Awakening. Peace and Bliss! - This is the goal and product of the previous 11 steps in a 12-step program. As Bradshaw explains, "...toxic shame and all its cover-ups end in spiritual bankruptcy. Toxic shame is soul murder." "Silence and solitude are the marks of spiritual maturity. They lead to peace and bliss." To find true peace, you need to have an inner life, not just an outer one. True inner peace is its own reward and cannot be attained from the outside.
2) Practice, practice, practice - Not only do we need to practice these steps until they become second nature to us, but we also need to walk the walk, as they say. Be a positive example to others who are still hiding their toxic shame or to those who are working to free themselves from it. "...model a life of self-disciplined love and respect."
3) Share with and Serve Others - Share the message with others (especially abuse survivors) who are still hiding behind their masks of toxic shame. You will know these people because (like you used to do), they use ineffective coping mechanisms to hide, numb or bury the pain caused by their toxic shame. "As we model our restored relationships with God, self, our neighbors and the world, we can show others that there is a way out. There is HOPE.
