Triggers and Phobias
Lessening the Intensity of Unavoidable Triggers
© 2006 Hope Forus All Rights Reserved
First, I want to congratulate you! Identifying emotional triggers from past abuse is VERY HARD WORK. You should feel proud of the effort and progress you have made in realizing what they are, writing them down and developing ideas for working with your triggers. Let yourself feel good about your accomplishment. You deserve it!
As you've learned on the first four pages, triggers are part of what's known as Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). One of the most empowering and effective things you can do if you want to thrive in this life after your abuse, is to identify what triggers your flashbacks and abuse-related emotions. Hopefully, the ideas and questions provided with the second page have helped you identify your unique triggers, ideas from the third page have helped you release some of the pent up anger you understandably feel and ideas from the fourth page have helped you come up with some healthy alternatives to triggers you can not avoid. I want to continue on that theme of unavoidable triggers to explore ways of making them less intense. If there are triggers you absolutely can not avoid and there are no realistic alternatives for them, there may be ways you can make the impact the trigger has on your daily life less intense.
Lessening the Intensity of Triggers
Hope’s Specific Sexual Abuse Trigger
Ideas for Lessening the Emotional Impact
Ideas for Lessening the Emotional Impact Showering Light candles and have soothing, joyful music playing in the background during shower.
Light candles and have soothing, joyful music playing in the background during shower.Splurge on luxurious body wash instead of soap.Use netted sponge, body brush or loofa instead of wash cloth.Shower as quickly as possible. Time effective routine = Take showerhead down, turn to the softer flow setting, wet hair and entire body, replace showerhead and turn water stream away from me, apply shampoo and lather, apply face wash and lather, apply body wash and lather, take showerhead down and rinse hair and entire body. Done in 5-10 minutes max.Blood Prepare red meat for meals when I’m feeling energetic and at my best.
Prepare red meat for meals when I’m feeling energetic and at my best. Place red meat in Crock-Pot for meal later that day or the next day. Freeze prepared red meat, casseroles, etc. for use on days when I’m feeling vulnerable.These ideas work for me because they are enjoyable and different from any experience I had in the house where I was abused as a child. Basically, what I try to do is to think of things that would be the exact opposite or far and away different than what my experiences were as a child, whether or not they were present during my abuse. For example, if your abuser only watched and listened to sports on the television or radio, it would probably not be helpful to you to have a ball game blaring in the background during an event that acts as a trigger of past emotions for you. Even if the thing that reminds you of your abuser was not present during episodes of abuse, it still might create a trigger if it was unique to your abuser.
Take Advantage of Times When You are Strongest
When thinking about ways to lessen the impact of specific triggers, be aware of times that you are at your best and times when you have been more vulnerable to emotional distress. Obviously, if you are sick, exhausted, stressed or emotionally raw because of some other situation, you will probably be more sensitive to your particular abuse triggers. Try to be aware of this as you may not have enough emotional energy to tackle your triggers head on when you are already physically or mentally drained.
Another thing to think about is what time of day you are at your best. Most people are aware of their own “internal clock." Some of us are morning people. Others are sharper in the afternoon, evening or late at night. Be aware that you may be more vulnerable to your specific triggers at times of the day when your energy level is not at its peak. If, like me, you are not a morning person, it probably takes you a while to wake up. After you are awake, you are probably a little groggy and cranky until you get a cup of coffee and breakfast in you. I know I am! If you find yourself feeling sleepy, quiet and not wanting to be around people at certain times of the day, this is probably not the best time to try and work with any of your triggers. My suggestion would be to expose yourself to triggers that can not be avoided or you do not wish to avoid at times when you are at your strongest. Take advantage of times when you are healthy, rested, unstressed and emotionally well to tackle triggers head on.
One last thing to keep in mind is that you may feel vulnerable at different times of the day because of the time of day in which your abuse took place. For example, I was abused almost exclusively in the evening, right before bed time. I was abused most often in the bathroom and bedroom when getting ready for bed. Therefore, I am most vulnerable at this time of night. To this day, I often feel a sense of extreme dread when getting ready for bed, even if nothing else negative is going on. I often suffer from insomnia when I am already feeling vulnerable, i.e. sick, exhausted or emotionally fragile from some other issue. Late in the evening is not usually the best time for me to tackle my triggers. The best times of day for me are usually mid-morning to early evening. That’s when I try to tackle anything that requires a maximum amount of energy and emotional wherewithal.
Implementing the Ideas
Now that you have made a list of possible ways to avoid, alter or lessen the impact of your emotional triggers, it is time to put the ideas in to practice. Unfortunately, this may be easier said than done. You may have some great ideas that on paper sound like they would be quite effective in alleviating your trauma from the trigger. However, when you go to put these ideas in to practice you may find it very difficult to get motivated to even attempt them. Or, when you do try one of your ideas, you may feel uncomfortable. Please try not to get too discouraged if this happens. There are several reasons why the act of implementing these changes may be difficult.
Change – We are creatures of HABIT
One thing I want to point out is the fact that abuse survivors are often resistant to change. Believe it or not, we as human beings are creatures of habit. Whether that habit feels good or not does not matter when it comes to our resistance to change. Sometimes, it is easier for us to continue old, hurtful patterns of behavior because that is what we have become accustomed to. If you have decided that a certain trigger is something you are not willing to live with, you may have to change certain things that you are used to in order to break the intensity of the emotions brought out by the trigger. For example, you may wonder why you continue to use a certain brand of bar soap day after day, year after year when that was the same soap that was rammed down your throat by your abuser. You may feel that it is illogical for you to continue to expose yourself to a product that acts as a strong trigger for old, hurtful emotions from your past abuse. Be assured that this is normal! Because we are creatures of habit, we will often continue certain choices and behaviors without even thinking about them because they are what we know.
Fear of Change
It can be very frightening to change things in our lives, even if that change would be for the better. This fear can cause us to perpetuate old patterns that continue to wound us years after our abuse or traumatic experiences. Please know that as creatures of habit, it is human to be drawn to things that we are used to. Even if things we are used to are harmful to us, it is sometimes less frightening to seek them out rather than venture down an unknown path. This is one of the reasons why adult abuse victims often find it extremely difficult to leave an abusive spouse. As adults, abuse survivors will often continue to be involved in relationships with their childhood abuser(s) even if the abuse has not stopped. For example, many sexual abuse survivors will continue to have a relationship with their abuser in adulthood. The sexual abuse may have stopped (if the abuser is a pedophile, he will no longer have sexual interest once his child becomes an adult), but emotional abuse may continue. We may fear physical, financial or emotional retaliation from our abuser if we demand the abuse stop or threaten to end the relationship. Or, we may continue to put up with name calling, threats, etc. from our abuser because we are afraid of the change that will invariably come if we end our relationship with them.
Even if we have ended our relationship with our abuser, we still may be gripped by fear on a regular basis. It can be difficult to break free from old patterns even if they are harmful or unpleasant, because that is what we are used to. This can be a vicious cycle…feelings of intense fear are brought to the surface when we experience one or more of our emotional triggers. Fear may also grip us when we think about making changes to avoid, alter or diminish our trigger situations, so we don’t attempt to. But, inevitably another trigger springs up and the cycle starts all over again. Before we know it, we are engulfed in a painful downward spiral of constant fear! We must decide that we want the cycle of fear to end before we can do anything about it. It may be helpful or even essential for you to work on releasing old fear with a therapist before you can move on to making positive changes and applying healthy alternatives to some of your abuse triggers.
Self-Esteem
A third reason we may not want to change is because we feel that we don’t deserve it. In addition to physical scars resulting from some forms of abuse, survivors almost always suffer emotional damage to their self-esteem. For years I believed that I was a “bad girl” and undeserving of love, comfort, peace, joy, protection or happiness. Those of us who have been severely abused may feel deep in our hearts that we don’t deserve any comfort, that we don’t deserve any pleasure or any of the good things in life. Someone in our past may have told us this in so many words or they may have treated us so poorly that we just assumed that we weren’t worth anything good. This can be especially true if your abusers were either or both of your biological parents. As parents, they were the ones who were supposed to nurture, love and protect you. If they not only neglected to do their duty as parents, but were the ones who harmed you, you’re going to believe you are not worth that love, nurturing and protection.
Please be aware that if your abuser acted like he didn’t like you very much or even if he told you that you were unlovable and deserving of such horrible treatment, this is NOT TRUE. Believe it or not, the truth is that your abuser did not like him self or her self very much or he/she would not have abused you in the first place. Healthy people who like themselves do not abuse others. An abuser hates him self! An abuser feels powerless and so they choose to abuse someone less powerful than themselves in order to feel more powerful. Abusing others is not the healthy way to convince yourself that you are a powerful person. Many ideas I share in the book I’m writing have helped me exert my power as a human being and an individual in healthy ways. My hope is that these trigger exercises will be an empowering experience for you too. Abusing someone is NEVER the answer to try and make yourself feel better for ANY reason, even if you were abused and powerless yourself. Ending the cycle of abuse and getting help for your past hurts, identifying the triggers that dredge up painful emotions from your past and implementing ideas to reduce the control these triggers have over your day-to-day life IS VERY EMPOWERING.
Hope Forus is a survivor of childhood physical, sexual, emotional and ritualistic abuse. She is currently writing a book on the subject that will include other self-help ideas like this. You can contact her at:
Hope Forus is not a medical or mental health professional. She is a survivor of childhood sexual, physical, emotional and ritualistic abuse. This article is provided for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice. You should not use the information in this article for diagnosing or treating a medical or mental health condition. If you have or suspect you have a medical problem, promptly contact your professional healthcare provider. If at any time you feel the urge to hurt yourself or someone else as a result of emotions or reactions to any descriptions related herein, promptly contact your mental health provider, your local suicide prevention hotline or 911.
